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“Napoleon? Overrated. Believe you me.” Photo by Aswathy N on Unsplash
This seems like a bad idea. The secret laboratory project to breed man-ape 'humanzee' super soldiers
In the 1920s Soviet scientists in Russia were ordered by dictator Joseph Stalin to create a hybrid ape-man “super soldier” capable of working under extreme conditions too dangerous for ordinary humans.
Well, let’s be clear. It is a bad idea. But do you want to be the one to tell Stalin that?
Secret documents from the time, declassified in the 1990s, show that Kremlin chiefs wanted an unbeatable army of man-apes with "immense strength but with an underdeveloped brain” that were "resilient and resistant to hunger".
Such a Stalin thing to do. Thank goodness the Soviets never succeeded in creating an army of Communist super apes. We won’t have to worry about that anymore!
The Chinese government was said to be restarting the project and one of the scientists involved Dr Ji Yongxiang, told the Wen Hui Boa newspaper that he aimed to produce an animal that could speak, while retaining the incredible strength of a chimpanzee.
He said that the hybrid “humanzees” would be used for mining, heavy agricultural work, and exploration of dangerous environments such as outer space and the depths of the ocean.
Oh. Right. China. Of course.
If there is anyone who’s going to monkey around with creating ape-human hybrids — and who clearly haven’t seen any of the Planet of the Apes films — it’s China.
“What I’m saying is if you read Marx from the proper perspective you see that chimpanzees are the true proletariat, comrades.” Photo by Margaux Ansel on Unsplash
How to make a mummy. This has to be the oldest “how-to” book ever found.
Ancient Egyptian manual unlocks marvelous mysteries of mummification
Have you ever wanted to make a mummy, but aren’t sure how to do it? Well, wonder no more!
Scientists can now reconstruct the entire mummification process of the ancient Egyptians thanks to a fascinating find. The oldest book on the ancient embalming process was recently discovered in an Egyptian medical manual dating back 3,500 years ago.
For ancient Egyptians, the mummification process was a sacred ritual to prepare loved ones for the afterlife. Only a few individuals knew the method. Egyptologists believe there was little evidence written down since most ancient Egyptians passed down the knowledge by mouth.
Just two written documents of the process have been discovered, which is why Egyptologists were shocked to find the most recent text. The manual not only reveals the lengthy process of mummification but also focuses on the use of herbs to reduce swelling of the skin.
Here’s a pro tip: gather all the necessary equipment and ingredients before you start. You’ll need to prepare your herbs. And you’ll need bandages. Lots of bandages.
But don’t worry — the mummy manual has all the details and step by step instructions you’ll need.
The manual describes different types of bandages and herbal recipes to be used at various stages of the process. It only includes the more difficult steps of mummification, as if to remind the specialists of the correct order.
It’s fair to call this book a classic:
Dated at 1450 BC, the manuscript is older than the previously discovered texts by over 1,000 years. It is the first to reveal the use, appearance, and even religious aspect of herbs used in the mummification process. In ancient Egypt, lesions and other disorders of the skin were seen as a plague from Khonsu, the lunar god.1
The manual no doubt topped the 15th century BC Egyptian bestseller lists.
Just don’t read it aloud, guys. Trust me on that.
“Have you read the new mummy manual? It really wraps up the topic.” Photo by Jeremy Bezanger on Unsplash
“Greatest military mind of the age” outmaneuvered by bunnies. Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Genghis Khan, Napoleon Bonaparte — some of the most victorious and feared military commanders in history. But only one of them was forced into a humiliating retreat before an army of bunny rabbits:
Napoleon Bonaparte Was Attacked by an Army of 1000 Marauding Rabbits!
In 1807, Napoleon had just signed a peace treaty which ended the war between the French Empire and Imperial Russia. To celebrate the occasion, he ordered his Chief-of-Staff Louis-Alexandre Berthier to arrange a luncheon and a rabbit hunt.
On the day of the lunch, over 1000 rabbits were released from cages situated on the edge of a grassy field. Napoleon and his companions were armed and ready to follow in pursuit of the rabbits which, it was assumed, would panic and run for freedom. But that’s not what happened!
The rascally rabbits had something else in mind — and soon the hunted became the hunters!
The confused bunnies formed a frenzied, fluffy army and headed straight for Napoleon. He was quickly overpowered – the rabbits gathered at his feet, climbed up his legs, gnawed at his gold-embroidered jacket, and hopped onto his head and shoulders. Napoleon could not position his gun to shoot them and his attempts to hit them away with his riding crop were futile. Finally, his military men were able to drive enough of them off him with their crops, whips and sticks to give Napoleon enough time to retreat to his velvet-seated carriage. The bunnies followed in hot pursuit, swarming into his carriage and continuing their onslaught. Finally, as the carriage began to move off, the rabbits dispersed, and Napoleon lived to fight another battle.
I’ve never heard this story. I assume that’s because Napoleon’s censors suppressed the truth as being dangerous disinformation — after all, what would France’s enemies think if they knew the military genius had been routed by rabbits? Think of the damage to French morale to have an emperor bested by bunnies! No, this story was surely buried.2 Along with whoever organized the rabbit hunt.
But why did the rabbits attack Napoleon so fiercely? For the rest of the story, click through to the article or watch this video.
Well, maybe the martial rabbits can save us from the commie superapes — before the mummies get all of us. Thank you for reading Thursday Things! Again, please click the hearts, leave a comment, and use the share feature to send this issue to a friend who might enjoy it. See you next Thursday!
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Khonsu, seen most recently in Marvel’s Moon Knight series on Disney+. Busy guy.
“What is the truth of history? A fable agreed upon.” — Napoleon