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We’re doing something different with this week’s edition of Thursday Things. We’re going deep down the rabbit hole. What you learn here today, you can never unknow. So turn back now if you want to keep the peace of mind, however tenuous, you now enjoy. If you choose to read on, you must accept the consequences. You’ve been warned.
I love a good conspiracy theory, the more baroque and convoluted the better. The best conspiracy theories connect seemingly unrelated dots to reveal a sinister pattern that no one else sees. So let me propose a theory that just might haunt you—
Item: Scientists investigate the success of wild pig invasions. It is evident that wild pigs (aka feral hogs) are extremely successful invaders. According to researchers up to 6 million wild hogs live in North America, “causing millions of dollars of damage in at least 39 states and several Canadian provinces.”
Item: China’s Breeding Giant Pigs That Are as Heavy as Polar Bears. “In a farm deep in the southern region of China lives a very big pig that’s as heavy as a polar bear.” Chinese farmers are breeding hogs that weigh more than a thousand pounds, on par with a polar bear. This is to help meet China’s insatiable desire for delicious pork. Or so China would have us believe. But how much damage do you suppose a pack of giant Chinese polar bear pigs could do to the China’s global rivals the USA and Canada if they were released into the wild here? We’re talking Porkpocalypse. Pigageddon.
I know what you’re thinking. It sounds crazy. China wouldn’t weaponize giant pigs and infiltrate them into North America to ravage the continent like an army of Hogzillas. Animals from China couldn’t even get to the US, except in a controlled way, like the adorable pandas in our zoos. But not in the wild, right? Wrong! It’s already happening. Read on…
Item: An Invasive Fish That Can Breathe and Move on Land Has Been Found in Georgia. “The northern snakehead is a long, blotchy-patterned fish that can breathe on land and travel on the ground by wriggling its slippery body. But those might not be the species’ most nightmarish qualities. Snakeheads have a voracious appetite; they've been known to chow down not only on other fish, but also crustaceans, reptiles, mammals and small birds. They are invasive to the United States, threatening to displace native species and upset the balance of aquatic ecosystems. The fish have been reported in more than a dozen states across the nation and … they have now been found for the first time in Georgia.” (In Gwinnett County, for those readers who know Georgia.)
And where does the invading northern snakehead fish come from? China. They come from China.
The official story is that a few snakeheads were dumped in a pond in Maryland more than a decade ago by a negligent aquarium hobbyists. But were they negligent … or was it intentional? Were they innocent hobbyists … or agents laying the groundwork for invasion? Was it all part of an intricate plan to infiltrate America with dangerous foreign wildlife?
It’s only a fish, you say. Oh, really? “These fish are like something from a bad horror movie,” former Secretary of the Interior Gale Norton said when proposing the ban some 17 years ago. “They can eat virtually any small animal in their path. They can travel across land and live out of water for at least three days. They reproduce quickly. They have the potential to cause enormous damage to our valuable recreational and commercial fisheries.” The snakehead fish is practically an aquatic Terminator. That can also live on land.
It gets worse. Four different species of snakehead have turned up in more than fifteen states, from New York to California to Hawaii. They didn’t all get there from that pond in Maryland. As James Bond says, “Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.”
Do you see? The killer fish were just the start, the proof of concept for the next wave of animal invaders. Feral Chinese death pigs. They’re coming. Count on it.
Not convinced? You don’t think Chinese scientists would monkey around with nature like that? Oh, I almost forgot. I have one more item to share—
Item: Chinese scientists have put human brain genes in monkeys—and yes, they may be smarter. Scientists in southern China have created “several transgenic macaque monkeys with extra copies of a human gene suspected of playing a role in shaping human intelligence.” Oh, look. They’re creating genetic human-monkey hybrids. I think we’ve all seen that movie.
Enjoy your Thursday.