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“What are you looking at? There is nothing to see here, human. Move along.” Photo by Steven Diaz on Unsplash
Danville Monkey Crisis! There are numerous towns called Danville across the US — which is as it should be. But there is only one Danville in the grip of a monkey crisis and possible — I’d go so far as to say inevitable — zombie outbreak. Our story begins last Friday on State Route 54 just outside Danville, Pennsylvania.
Police: Truck with 100 monkeys crashes, some of them missing
DANVILLE, Pa. (AP) — A truck carrying about 100 monkeys was involved in a crash Friday in Pennsylvania, state police said as authorities searched for at least three of the monkeys that appeared to have escaped the vehicle.
The truck carrying the animals crashed with a dump truck in the afternoon in Montour County, Pennsylvania State Police Trooper Andrea Pelachick told the Daily Item.
The truck had been on its way to a lab, Pelachick said.
It’s never good when the monkey truck crashes. But think about the poor dump truck driver. There you are, driving your dump truck, minding your own business, when suddenly … monkeys everywhere!
Things then took an ominous turn as several monkeys went on the lam1:
DANVILLE — State police say three small monkeys were missing following a crash between a truck hauling a trailer and a dump truck this afternoon in Montour County.
What’s ominous about that? Three monkeys on the loose out of 100. That doesn’t sound so bad.
At 9 p.m., Pelachick said state police are investigating the crash and securing the scene for representatives from the Pennsylvania Game Commission, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and other agencies.
Wait — the CDC? And “other agencies”? Now it sounds bad.
You did catch that last line in the first quote above about how the monkeys were on the way to a lab?
This is practically the opening scene of an X-Files episode.
Right? We pan over a highway in Pennsylvania. Suddenly the monkey truck crashes! Witnesses stop to help:2
A crash witness, Michelle Fallon, told the Press Enterprise newspaper of Bloomsburg that she spoke with the pickup driver and a passenger after the crash.
She and another motorist who stopped to help were standing near the scene when the other driver said he thought he saw a cat run across the road, Fallon said.
Fallon peeked into a crate and saw a small monkey looking back at her, she told the newspaper.
"They're monkeys," she told the other motorist.
Cue the X-Files them song!
Next Mulder and Scully roll up to Danville in their rental car — to find the CDC and “other agencies” are already sterilizing the scene.
Cigarette Smoking Man can’t be far behind. The great monkey search is on. And so is the coverup…
Monkeys still missing after truck crash near Danville
MONTOUR COUNTY — Several monkeys were still on the loose Friday night after a truck carrying about 100 of the simians was involved in a crash en route to a lab, state police and a local fire chief said.
“A couple crates were broken open. As best we can tell, three or four got out,” Valley Township Fire Chief Mike Kull told the Times Leader.
State police were still searching for the missing monkeys Friday night, with a helicopter involved in the effort. State Game Commission officials also responded to the scene.
I first picked up on this story Saturday morning, with three monkeys still unaccounted for. There were earlier reports that four, or even five, monkeys had gone missing, but as of Saturday we were down to three. Then two. Then one:
Several monkeys had escaped following Friday's collision, Pennsylvania State Police said. But only one had remained unaccounted for as of Saturday morning, prompting the Pennsylvania Game Commission and other agencies to launch a search for it amid frigid weather.
By Saturday night we had this strangely worded update: Truck with 100 lab monkeys crashes in Pennsylvania; all accounted for after several escape: The condition and whereabouts of the remaining monkeys weren't clear.
Kristen Nordlund, a spokesperson with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said in an email Saturday evening that all 100 of the cynomolgus macaque monkeys had since been accounted for. Three were dead after being euthanized.3
So three monkeys euthanized. Poor monkeys.
As for the rest? Well, that’s the real mystery. See, while we were all focused on the missing monkeys, the other 97 just vanished into the cover-up of plausible deniability, condition and whereabouts not clear. Classic CSM.
The shipment of monkeys was en route to a CDC-approved quarantine facility after arriving Friday morning at New York's Kennedy Airport from Mauritius, an Indian Ocean island nation, police said. The Atlanta-based CDC said the agency was providing "technical assistance" to state police in Pennsylvania.
“Technical assistance”
The location of the quarantine facility and the type of research for which the monkeys were apparently destined weren't clear, but cynomolgus monkeys are often used in medical studies.
Uh-huh. “Weren’t clear” A lot is not clear in this update. That can mean only one thing: black budget above Top Secret classified military monkey research!
Murder monkeys? Super monkeys? Talking monkeys? It’s “unclear”. But something is up. Something they4 don’t want us to know about.
Earlier, police had earlier urged people not to look for or capture any monkey, with troopers tweeting: "Anyone who sees or locates the monkey is asked not to approach, attempt to catch, or come in contact with the monkey. Please call 911 immediately."
Yeah, because they were military experiment super-intelligent murder monkeys5. Probably.
Crates littered the road Friday as troopers searched for monkeys, rifles in hand. Valley Township firefighters used thermal imaging to try to locate the animals, and a helicopter also assisted, the Press Enterprise newspaper of Bloomsburg reported.
Helicopters? Rifles? Definitely murder monkeys. Murder monkeys who probably planned the whole crash on Route 54 as an escape attempt.
And how do we know their plan didn’t succeed? How do we know they really did catch that last monkey?
I mean, that final monkey sounded pretty dangerous6:
Police did not release information regarding how the final monkey was found.
Earlier Saturday, Trooper Andrea Pelachick warned residents not to go looking for the last animal, asking that “no one attempt to look for or capture the animal.”
Or how do we know there weren’t 101 monkeys and that the three euthanized monkeys didn’t sacrifice themselves to let the last monkey, the monkey mastermind — likely named Caesar — get away?
Sure, they say there were only 100 monkeys. Far be it from me to doubt a spokesperson from the always honest CDC. What if their monkey count was off by one? What if…
But that’s just crazy talk.
Murder monkeys? Super secret government labs? Black ops cover ups? Just some amusing over-the-top speculation to liven up your Thursday.
Right? A monkey truck crashed. The monkeys were rounded up. No big deal. Nothing to see here. Go on with your day.
A lovely day in Pennsylvania. Where all is well. Photo by Andrea Merovich on Unsplash
Wait, did you say zombies? Oh, I did mention something about a zombie outbreak back at the start, didn’t I? But I went with more of a Planet of the Apes theme instead. Monkeys on the loose — it fits. Loose talk about zombies would be, well, irresponsible. There is nothing to worry about in that regard.
By the way, Michelle Fallon — the driver who saw the crash and got out to help and turned to the camera and said “They’re monkeys.” — turned up in the news again on Tuesday, after the Danville monkey crisis was over:7
A woman who stopped to help after a truck carrying 100 lab monkeys crashed in Pennsylvania fears she's caught an illness after one of the macaques hissed in her face, leaving her with pink eye symptoms.
Fallon has now had a rabies shot, and wrote about the symptoms she has since suffered on Facebook - and also told PA Homepage that she'd developed symptoms of pink eye - an inflammation or infection of the eye ball.
She said: 'I was close to the monkeys, I touched the crates, I walked through their feces so I was very close. So I called (a helpline) to inquire, you know, was I safe?
'Because the monkey did hiss at me and there were feces around, and I did have an open cut, they just want to be precautious.'
That’s always how it starts, isn’t it?
The zombie outbreak, I mean.
Thank you for reading Thursday Things. Again, please click the hearts, comment, and use the share feature to send this issue to a friend who might enjoy it. Assuming we’re not all fighting for our lives against brain-hungry zombie hordes by then, I’ll see you next Thursday!
The CDC, the gold standard of government competence, says there is nothing to worry about. We can all relax now…
And by “they” I mean “them”.
Thursday Things has covered the monkey menace before, like this item from 3 September 2020: Granny ‘Monkey Busters’ are battling apes with airguns: “A group of grandmothers have taken it upon themselves to protect their Japanese village from a recent onslaught of feral apes.”
And this item from 31 October 2019: Rat-eating monkeys in Malaysia stun scientists: “Killer monkeys were found to be catching and gobbling up large rats in Malaysia.”
Don’t say you weren’t warned…